ZW Intelligence

Courtney Stodden: Kiss Me Under My Mistletoe Bikini

ZW Update: Courtney Stodden

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The last time we featured Courtney Stodden on ZW, she had just shaved her head and was garnering plenty of attention for her new look. Well her latest attention grab is a little more tacky and a lot more NSFW, but it did make me laugh – although probably not in the way Ms Stodden intended.

“I wanted to put something out there this holiday season that would make people giggle,” she says.”I feel levity is needed for Christmas 2016.”

Cunty Courtney has released her weirdly erotic Christmas song and video Kiss Me Under My Mistletoe Bikini under the name Courtney Cane. Apparently the song is about her crush on Saint Nick (jeez I knew she liked old fat men with money, but this is ridiculous) and it’s loaded with festive sexual innuendo.

Courtney said: “‘Mistletoe Bikini’ is basically a song about how I’ve always had a crush on Santa Claus ever since I was a little girl,” Stodden told FOX411. “The song [and video] is about my crush and you know, maybe a little later in the video we have an affair behind Mrs. Claus’ back. It’s fun and it’s really catchy.”

Catchy? The only catchy thing about this is the STDs poor Santa is coming into contact with here.

Although Santa probably gives no fucks about whatever venereal disease Courtney will pass on, not only is he married to the ugliest Mrs Claus ever portrayed in a video, a couple years back she did a sexual Santa shoot, so he’s probably thinking “…can’t catch what you’ve already got!”.

My fave line in the song would have to be “I know you’re fat and all but you can slide down my chimney any time…”

Let’s play a game. If you can sit through almost three and half minutes of this – tell us your favourite line and innuendo Courtney Cane delivers in this auto tuned Christmas monstrosity. 

0 Comments

  1. Sharkey's Wallet

    This girl is on drugs, for real. Every post shes drinking and Im sure thats because thats all shes allowed to show. Her idols include sugarbabies like Anna Nicole and Marilyn Monroe. The former being dangerously too similar to her imo.

  2. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    oh My fk’n !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    That is a 9.9999
    I need eye bleach.
    It looks like it’s testies fell out.

  3. The Bad Seed

    No! I just wasted 3 1/2 minutes of my life watching cuntney. I love how she calls him daddy… Not.

    *I’m about 98% sure dick itchy put his tiny pecker in that massive hole

  4. Stelio Kontos

    Thank you and Merry Xmas to you my sexy, unfairly but understandably objectified friend.

  5. Stelio Kontos

    Omg….welp….Christmas is now fucked up. Holy shit that was awful!!!
    Olive Blackcock would rejoice in that one….
    However, you nailed it, that is what I imagine Courtney’s chimney has been hosting.

  6. Unityyy

    Sorry, couldn’t get through this nonsense. I still just can’t help feel bad for this girl who was basically sold by her parents as a child bride to a pervy has-been actor in hopes of some sort of career in Hollywood. Hope this result was worth your souls Stodden family..Merry Christmas.

  7. Lame Equis

    Why is there mistletoe growing out of her vagine tho? Courtney please get that checked

  8. AmericanTopTeam

    There is not one sexy thing about that shit…I went through reverse puberty

  9. Scorpio

    550+ is big, unless on a very tall or large woman. On a petite woman, like around 5 feet tall give or take a couple of inches, who is also thin, 550+ would be pretty big.

  10. JimU113

    Until that annoying left turn is required.

  11. Lol “Courtney says. mistletoe bikini came about to satisfy my unquenchable thirst for attention combined with my fetish for fat old farts with gunts”

    • Sharkey's Wallet

      Shes got an open forum on depression – I think she needs to switch gears and clean up and own it. But, saddly shes Anna Nicoling it dangerously now. Pulling a Britney 2007 too. This wont end well.

  12. Omg I’m gonna think “the not fast and furiously struggling” when I see morons acting like they are driving Indy cars and Street rods in their moms Buick

  13. Pam

    U should see what happens in the south. People freak out! The whole town I live in shuts down over half an inch of snow

    • Sammi Jo

      Mine practically does too! They cancelled schools here like the day before….the day before the snow even arrived!! LMAO

      • In HS there was a huge big ass deal about the “storm of the century” on its way. So they dismissed school early. Needless to say, half the school headed to the kid who sold drugs and had absentee parents house. Calling our families “I better just stay here…I might get caught in the storm”. 200 kids trippin balls. Not one snowflake fell. Fuckin awesome.

  14. Pam

    Glad I didn’t watch. Ignorance is bliss. 🙂

  15. Stelio Kontos

    Thank you. Fred Durst is that oddbal strain of douche that no culture willingly claims

  16. Stelio Kontos

    “I know you’re fat and all but you can slide down my chimney any time…”
    Not if your so called “chimney” is full of Purple Crayon stains, post Chlamydial temps and the stench of rotting smegma.

  17. wehoconfidential

    Saying someone has an STD is going to get you sued. xoxo

  18. Penza

    Lol, that was a horror show.

  19. I get a mean little thrill when I see SUVs in the ditch. Also when young guys are getting their Neon towed out of the honkin snowpile they skidded into…um, I don’t think that’s what they meant by “drifting” dumbass.

  20. Digitus impudicus

    So true! Icy ditches attract assholes and beta losers. Just ask this and every other instawhore!

  21. People in goddam Buffalo, snow capital of America, can’t drive in the fucking snow. The traffic is horrendous here…six lanes of traffic squeezing through three toll booths on the bridge? Check. Assholes not letting people turn or join traffic at red lights? Check. Three miles of cars on the Thruway because John Buttsuck got a ticket once and now he is the personal left lane speed limit enforcer? Check.

  22. Persephone

    Darryl is the man. I’m assuming you watch it every week, right?
    Here’s my granddaughter… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7406bb37405f18a4bd81551d506921247b4d63de121828bce8a655333cab0265.jpg

  23. Persephone

    So I had the hots for Rick until I heard him in an interview. His voice doesn’t match him anymore!!
    Btw Sammi…. I think we get to have a white Christmas up here. It’s snowing big time. Are you guys supposed to get any?

    • Dead Man's Dog

      Rick turned gay when he tried to be a farmer in the prison and now again when he moved to Alexandria.

      I like TWD but it’s agrivating to see that the guy with the mullet still has bruises on his face from the night Glenn and Abraham got ‘Lucilled’ and Rick tucked his dick and balls away and went working for Negan for all of 2 weeks—now Rick says enough is enough?!?!?

      Very sloppy plot development.

  24. Persephone

    Oh my gosh that’s hilarious

  25. Persephone

    Lol I hear you–that is the perfect “wtf/cringe/internal shudder/you idiot” face.

  26. Some six year old in Missouri is considering a lawsuit since Courtney “cocaine mouth seizure” stole her routine.

  27. not2slobro

    at least creepy doug isn’t in the same picture. those two same place/time makes my eyes blur.

  28. ItWasJustified

    Made it to the 30 seconds mark. Then I got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to commit suicide so I stopped.

  29. prettyfeet

    “Crack the whip Daddy” was my favorite.

  30. o3mta3o

    Hmmm. No.

  31. Ghost Girl

    That was so uncomfortable to watch. I’m so confused as to how she thinks that garbage is any good. Courtney should stay far away from drugs.

    • Happy Pants

      Or take more Xanex. Calm her ass down.

    • AmericanTopTeam

      I didn’t even watch it and it kind of ruined my morning..the fact her mom pimped her out to a goddamn character actor from The Green Mile really disturbing

      • He forgot the sponge. Motherfucker.

        • AmericanTopTeam

          That movie is one of my favorites… John Coffees speech at the end about all the hurt in the world always gets me

      • Ghost Girl

        Obviously, her mom is the bigger whore who has to live vicariously through her slutbag daughter. They make me fucking sick. I just can’t deal with these assholes. Like, a marginal actor from The Green Mile IS NOT worth it. In what fucking world would you sell your daughter for that??? These morons have got to go. The sooner, the better.

  32. JimU113

    Amirite?

  33. AmericanTopTeam

    99%

  34. AmericanTopTeam

    I couldn’t even press start. I’m repulsed and skipping breakfast

  35. €r2

    This girl is somehow sexy to me

  36. Scorpio

    Why thank you. *tips hat*

  37. Scorpio

    I am not even going to start this video. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea from the number of “views” or “clicks” she gets. These vacuous people misunderstand that as positive reinforcement.

    • Pam

      That was also one of my concerns and a reason I chose not to watch. There are stronger reasons but that one did make the list

  38. smugjew

    Talk about a mashugana shiksa!

  39. JimU113

    Nope, not watching it. I’ve read enough Lovecraft to recognize anything sanity shattering.

  40. JimU113

    Naw, she loves any man willing to waste money on her. Even a bent penny and a half-eaten Chick-O-Stick would be wasted on her.

  41. OldWineBox

    Fred Durst eats shit.

  42. Kay More

    What’s up with armband she has on? It’s circa late 90s

  43. Fairly Local

    Like the limp bizkit cd

  44. I can’t stand this whiny, self absorbed, unfortunate looking cunt. However, and I know I am alone on this one, but I *preparing for the boos and flying tomatoes* actually liked it, except for the porn star noises she attempted to make which came off sounding more like a chipmunk dry heaving. And I didn’t like how she was moving herself around i mean, that cannot possibly be dancing so I dont know but i didnt like that either. Most of the song was pretty cute though and for the only time i will ever agree with that whore, it is “catchy”. God i hate myself now.

  45. Whitney BeatMe

    I almost forgot about the candy cane fellatio… fuckin sick. No candy canes for me again ever. Gross.

  46. Happy Pants

    What a god awful tit job. HOly hell.

    • Scorpio

      That’s what happens when you don’t follow the surgeon’s instructions, and you immediately take your wrappings off.

      • Persephone

        Yup. I know a poor unfortunate soul who did that, she also got giant silicones over the muscle and never wore a bra–and they were placed awhile ago. They sag so low. It’s like a grapefruits in tube socks pinned to a cork board

        • Scorpio

          What a shame. They don’t make giant silicone implants in the U.S., though, or in many other countries. Do you know where she went? There are a few places in the world where one can still get them, and they are extraordinarily expensive.

          • Persephone

            I think my definition of giant is probably different than others…I should clarify. I know someone else who has 360cc’s (silicone) and she’s 32 inches around and they’re BIG on her. So when I compare the knee knockers to the 360cc’s , the 360s look small. (PS.. I had no idea that silicone couldn’t go as high as saline.)

          • Scorpio

            Wow, I am a little surprised that you consider 360cc to be giant. Those are relatively small implants. It is good to know that your girlfriend knows exactly what size implant she has. You might be surprised how many girls just go in and get a boob job and are completely clueless as to what they got, even the type of fill.

            As it may interest you, even the silicone shell that is filled with saline in a “saline” implant does not go above 800cc in the United States. Larger saline sizes are achieved by “overfilling” a regular-sized shell. Those silicone shells can take an awful lot of abuse, so they can easily withstand being pumped full of two or even three times the volume of saline they were intended to hold. The firmness does increase as the level of over-filling increases, though, which is something some people like, and some dislike. There are other products available to achieve truly “giant” hooters, such as “expanders”, but not really in the U.S., without overfilling.

          • Pam

            The person I know like that has hers done in the US but it may have been 15 years ago. She got so thin and she is older and they look just awful. Pretty sure they are silicone

          • Scorpio

            It could be. Large silicone implants were legal in the U.S. before the FDA reacted to unfounded scare-mongering and pulled silicone filled implants off the market entirely. The more recent reintroduction of silicone to the general market has only been given a limited approval, arbitrarily limited to 800cc. Although, I think that all happened more than 15 years ago now, but I’m not entirely sure on the dates without looking it up. 15 years is pretty old for a set of implants, and weight loss usually causes quite a bad effect on a BA. This is why it is recommended that a woman achieve her weight loss goals BEFORE she gets her BA. It sounds like she is long overdue for a revision. There is no reason, other than money, that she couldn’t have a bust she feels confident with.

        • Pam

          I have a family member like that.

  47. Maia

    *It’s fun and a little creepy. Fixed that for her.

    • JimU113

      *I’m delusional and on multiple drugs; please shoot me then burn and salt the body. Fixed in full.

  48. Whitney BeatMe

    Her hair grew back awful quick. Her vocals have improved from the “don’t put it on me girl” days, but this vomit pile of creativity must be killed with fire. Repeatedly.

    • ZWGGMa

      It surprises me that her body isn’t on point. I mean, that;s all this bitch does is gyrate the money maker and that pooch is not attractive. The face looks like crap too… and I think at one time she was pretty. Poor little 15 minutes of whore fame straight to never has been….. sad

  49. Pam

    Part of me wants to watch the video but I just cant bring myself to click on it. I imagine it is absolutely terrible. Also I’m scared my kid might hear it and want to watch and I plan on protecting her from all those types as long as I possibly can.

  50. Digitus impudicus

    All I want for Christmas is for this and all whores to just end.

  51. OldWineBox

    NO NO NO. Plus, this hoe ripped off SNL. I despise this succubus! I hope for Christmas this STD machine and Farrah Abraham get wicked wasted and drive each other home…off a cliff.

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