The CryptKeeper: Hardwired To Self Destruct

ZW Update: Tiffany Vine aka The Cryptkeeper

(SmugJew & QoT)

If there’s one thing that unites our beloved ZW celebrities it’s the delusional disorder that afflicts them all.

I’m a model. I’m a mogul. I’m famous. I’m rich. I’m intelligent. I’M SOMEBODY.

ZW Nation through its noble efforts has found an effective way to treat this illness in a way that psychotherapists could never achieve with their traditional cognitive behavioral therapy.

Through our articles we simply hold a mirror up to our subjects and let them see how the world views them.

One recent success is evidenced by this recent Facebook post by Tiffany “Teef” Vine.

(Insert FB screenshot)

I’ve decided to give up looking attractive.~The CryptTeefer~

Tiffany, you never even started looking attractive.

While she claimed after the fact that this statement is tongue-in-cheek, the admission that “I’m not rich or famous or married or skinny” is dead-on accurate. She’s not just a train wreck — she’s a plane falling out of the sky into the train. And she damn well knows it.

Naturally, the beta ass licking quickly followed.

Is The Cryptkeeper ready for a fresh start? No more wig, circus tits and 7 layers of spray tan? No more drunken Vegas misadventures, drum tech blowjobs and Seeking Arrangement profiles?

We have recently lost some ZW faves to the long arm of the law. Let’s not hope we lose another to common sense and rational thought. -SJ

Don’t be silly, SmugJew. New intel gleaned from the apparent army of Teef Haters, shows that Tiffany will, in fact, not be attempting any kind of normalcy and intends to continue right on doing the same trainwreck shit and expecting a different result.  Rest easy dear Jew, the CryptExpress is still gathering steam.

If fame is what you’re after Tiffany – all ZW eyes are on you right now. Bask in it, bitch.

So, as some will have seen from the comment section -The Cryptkeeper went to Metallica. 

Somehow, she managed to convince her beta friend “Mike” to fork out the cash for “VIP” tickets. This friend no one has heard of before, sure sounds like a potential john paying for a “date”.

Then – Mike suffered a tragic loss (or googled her name and realised that he didn’t really want to be seen in public with The Cryptkeeper Express and her stanky wig) and was suddenly unable to make it.

Naturally, Tiffany offered to sell his ticket online for full price. Raise your hand if you think Ol’ Mikey will ever see the cash for that ticket. No? Yeah. Me either. 

Fun Fact: The CryptExpress is powered by a Hyundai engine.

I can’t see who The Cryptkeeper managed to convince to come along with her but they were clearly told to just stfu, stay outta the way and take pics of her ONLY. Not one pic with her date.

Now, for someone who was not only going to go private on social media but also make no effort on her appearance – she sure went from 0 – 100 fast.

Updates set to PUBLIC, StruggleWig set to STUN.

Oh, and Foot set to FIRMLY WEDGED IN MOUTH.

Is The Cryptkeeper insinuating AGAIN that she slept with Chris ‘Birdman’ Andersen? We have confirmed reports that Chris WAS in attendance at the Metallica concert. 

If someone could find her original posts about apparently fucking the guy, that would be awesome. For those unaware – Tiffany claimed some time ago that she did the nasty with Birdman. Typical groupie bragging that she’s been called out on plenty of times.

According to ZW’s well placed sources – Tiffany screwed Birdman’s good friend in an attempt to get closer to him but was quickly rebuffed by both. Chris Andersen swears he did not stick his penis in the #CryptCunt. After speaking directly to the source – I’m inclined to believe him. I mean – would you?

It’s been quite obvious that Tiffany is picking and choosing which status updates she sets to public/private. Why on earth is she posting these updates PUBLICLY?

I had to double check this status was current. I had a feeling I’d seen it before…



  1. Vicki Vallencourt

    lol what did they say? do tell! so she’s humble bragging she bedded an nba player? what a weird twat

    • OCgirl12

      They just laughed and were saying how weird she is !!! She IS SOO creepy !!

  2. El Hijo De Fistfight

    Cursive has been forgotten just like the shitty band of the same name.

  3. Teefs_R_us

    Besides the fact it looks like she has a penis??

    • The armpit sweat struggle is year-round, as is the cooch stank issue

      • Meth cab for Booty

        Could you imagine the smell? A mix of fake tan, lube, cigarettes, alcohol, prescription drugs, shitty perfume and god knows what else

        • Failure, insanity, uselessness and shame. Each has a distinct and unpleasant odor that can only be reversed with soul searching and a sincere desire to improve and change- things she has not decided are worthy of her. Oh, and shit…because you are what u eat and she has to look at herself every fuckin day

    • OCgirl12

      PUKE ! God she is gross .

  4. Digitus impudicus

    Funny how her face is fat. Because she couldn’t control this photo!

  5. Habib Fazil

    At least he put up a good fight trying to get out of her…

  6. Habib Fazil

    Probably admiring the braided pit hair/fur…

  7. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    damn bringing back old school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Here’s a great one.. for you..

    always loved how it starts slow and just rips.. This is the song that hooked me on Metallica.. Master of puppets right at 3:40.. makes me want to run around in a circle 😉

    • Sammi Jo

      LOVE SANITARIUM!!!!!! Master Of The Puppets was a GREAT album!

  8. Flowerpotgirl

    This is what I am wondering. From all my band experience days, nothing goes on before the show other than sleeping and eating. Everything is after the work is done.
    Dude who bought the tickets got screwed. And not by her.

  9. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    naaa, the smell of formaldehyde is making him woosy.

  10. Flowerpotgirl

    Are there pics of her with the band, or just their gear? Not very vip if the band doesnt attend….

    • OCgirl12

      That’s exactly what I was thinking! So I suppose her spotting a pro sports player that she recognized, she decided to fabricate a nonexistent hook up to take the attention away from the lack of visual evidence (her lame selfies with band members ) ??

  11. Full of **IT!

    Wow, to think that a real rock star would get a pic like that is even more hilarious. I thought it was Lemmy, a plumber by day and a wannabe rock star by night from somewhere in the middle of Iowa. Lol!

  12. Full of **IT!

    Omg, I had no idea – not a metal fan. I’m an alternative, emo-ish chick!

  13. Unbelievable

    Ones creeping under her underarm too

  14. Mzzy Rivy


    • Mzzy Rivy

      She looks wasted!

      • The_Truth_Hurts2012

        that’s her sober look.. I’m sure ZW has some nice, ‘I’ve been drinking pics’

  15. Unbelievable

    Wish someone behind her would’ve curb stomped her for flipping them all off. Who does that? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f9013778532b4446b7c9041b264c59a079737ac6d7062dc9ce30b6f789538d12.png

  16. Habib Fazil

    Hope he brushes and flosses…

    • Tuco Salamanca


    • Full of **IT!

      At first I thought it said his name is “Lenny”, which is pretty funny. Then I looked more carefully and realized it says “Lemmy”, which is damn hilarious!

    • The_Truth_Hurts2012

      1st question: How in the hell did you find this? most impressive
      2nd Lemmy, should of had his hat on,, and a bar through his nip.. Full Rock mode
      3rd: that pic makes him look soft, like some girl, gave him the best lay ever and convinced him to do a glamor shot
      Great find, and to top it off….

  17. Habib Fazil

    She’d best keep an eye on them, after all


    The streets, alleys…

  18. Habib Fazil

    Long past her expiry date…

  19. Habib Fazil

    Critter don’t want to be swapping no spit, understand?

  20. Maia

    Do you take glamour shots with a shirt full of dog hairs?

  21. Observer

    It should be Creeping Death.

  22. shittystripper

    Those purple lips are making her look like a corpse but then it’s weirding me out because how can someone that tan even look like a corpse. Congrats Teef you accomplished the impossible

  23. Observer

    If her name EVER pops up while I’m driving. I’m ignoring the request.

    • LostWithoutVirgil

      Ignore it, but screen cap first so we can rally when Teef sends the “horrible uber” on a Facebook blast.

      I feel like we should sponsor an uber thread so these poor drivers aren’t subjected to sewer tan, bat nests and dog hair. I’m sure we could pitch it as consumer awareness.

  24. Observer

    Why is he dressed like it’s midwinter here??

  25. Observer

    I’ve been told she had to preform sex acts with a vibrator to get those photos taken with Metallica’s gear.

  26. Stelio Kontos

    Tiff’s purported sexual escapades with rocks stars and pro athletes can be summed up in my fav gif from the NBA finals (for the record I am no SJ but I tried)

  27. Queen Bee

    Can you elaborate? You texted who? Birdman’s camp?

  28. Chicky Nugget

    Hey, psycho, we’re not gonna discuss this, OK, it’s over. Please get out of that Metallica t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

  29. The Bad Seed

    Okay so she sucked a rhodies dick to take pictures of guitars, jealous??? Um… no. As for birdman, he fucks anything but he reached a new low.

  30. Mike Hunt

    It’s sad she thinks bragging about having sex with people makes her cool. It’s even sadder literally no man wants to own up to banging her.

  31. Digitus impudicus

    Huh, I thought that was Khloe Kartrashian.

  32. Vivian

    Ewwww! Barefoot at a concert!! Yuck! Good catch!

  33. the real pintu

    I was hoping there would be a video of her getting beat with a guitar.

  34. Shikaka

    I noticed the crooked scissor cut to make her walmart shirt show more tits. She nearly cut the “M” and “A” endings off to make sure those vein watermelons are full on out.

  35. OCgirl12

    YES lol

  36. Maia

    Why, oh why, is she such a fucking slob/pig/whore? Dog hairs on her clothes, filthy spray tan, ratty extensions, week-old makeup, and bragging about who she supposedly fucked. I’m at a loss to figure her out. She’s just fucking crazy.

  37. Vicki Vallencourt

    how did he ruin her life?

  38. AssholeConsulting

    LOL, thanks! Hating Tiffany is the purest expression of solidarity with my fellow ZW users.

  39. smugjew

    William Guy needs to pump the brakes. 11 on a 10 scale of Beta-ness.

    Great picture too. I can’t tell if this is a selfie or just the last image you see before you pass out from the drugs and he closes the back doors of the rape van.


  40. AssholeConsulting

    At least she admitted she has problems; acceptance is the first step to recovery.

    Now, Teef, if you’re listening, I have some solid advice to instantaneously increase your sexual market value and possibly land you a man earning (idealistically) $22,000 a year.

    You gotta:
    1. Stop being a (social media) whore
    2. Stop being an (actual) whore
    3. Stop being an (implied) whore (“sugar baby”)

    Oh, and, eat less, earn some humility, accept your mediocrity and move on.

  41. Unityyy

    Those are definitely her crappy boots…must have purchased them at the same place she got that horrendous wig

  42. Dr.Christian Troy

    Look at that scaly hand! Seriously what https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c571d395786047ab9a588a71e08b08a4faf8b83e9f936f7a688d59a9251239d0.jpg the fuck!? Anyone remember the show V about the aliens who came to Earth disguised as humans? Im convinced shes one of those

  43. JimU113

    Dear Tiffany, don’t worry about punching yourself. I have a steel chair here with your name on it.

  44. LostWithoutVirgil

    If you started a gif cult, I’d give you my money so you could have tax exempt status.

  45. Blunt-Master_puff_puff_

    You’re getting older Teefaknee, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your 20 year plan to find a man. GL with that gf.
    “This is hands down the most awkward day of my life”. [doesn’t she post this little quip about once a month?]
    “I was straight up white girl wasted yesterday”. [doesn’t she post this little quip about once a week?]
    Did she just get out of the bathtub, why is her skin so wrinkly and those nails look like Dollarama press-ons.


    • Maia

      Bwahaha!!! There’s a psoriasis ad under her hand!!!

    • El Hijo De Fistfight

      And it looks like she still clings to that shitty out dated trend of painting one nail a different color. Why the fuck was that popular again?

  46. smugjew

    And she wore a Metallica shirt to the Metallica show.

    So. Fucking. Basic.

    • Unbelievable

      Hopefully they sterilized that guitar as I’m sure some of her cooch critters jumped on it

  47. Queen Bee

    Yes! Screenshots!

  48. Stelio Kontos

    Her Beta team is still aggressive, dare I say delusional?
    Edit: That Brandon guy talkin about “Natural beauty”? Is that irony? He’s gotta be fuckin with her …..seriously, he can’t really mean it.

    • Blunt-Master_puff_puff_

      I get such a hoot outta these beta’s lickin her brown eye thinking if they ever met her in person sparks would fly. She’d squeeze whatever she could out of em and then step over em on the way out the door.

      • Tuco Salamanca

        They must be really desperate and don’t get any pussy if they think this homely broad is hot.

        • Digitus impudicus

          The only pussy they get is the sock they jerk off into. Shudder

      • Digitus impudicus

        And she would probably rip out leftover beer farts too.

    • OCgirl12

      God aren’t they entertaining in their own right !!?

    • El Hijo De Fistfight

      Old Man Willie wants to sniff her underwear drawer so fucking bad.

  49. Whitney BeatMe

    Gimme fuel gimme fire gimme that which I desire!!!! Buuuuuurrrrnnn tiffanaaaaay!
    She’s such a slug. Pour salt on her and watch her shrivel.

  50. Kay More

    Oh and what happen to fake boobies like hers as she ages? She can’t afford to get them replaced.

  51. Kay More

    That hair looks so stinky & matted. It doesn’t look healthy even if it is a wig.

  52. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    she’s looking for his wallet

  53. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    the real question is, if he was such a friend. Why didn’t she sell both tickets and go with the guy whose grandmother just died… OH that’s right. Cause your a dirty *** Teefer

  54. The_Truth_Hurts2012

    Well, there was this one time in band camp

  55. Maia

    I bet she hasn’t been kissed on the mouth in 12 years.

    • smugjew

      Most whores don’t allow that.

      • Maia

        That delusional whore is looking for love…

        • smugjew

          Hoping her Seeking Arrangement dates will lead to a husband.

          Yeah, Prince Charming is gonna leave a ring in the hotel room bathroom with his “donation.” Happens all the time.

    • TJ

      Not by a man’s lips.

  56. Happy Pants

    If I would have known Teefers was attending I could have paid like 3 people to give her an atomic wedgie. Gatt damn it.

    • Digitus impudicus

      As long as they wear hazmat suits whilst doing so!

  57. chris


    Imprisoning me

    All that I see

    Absolute horror

    I cannot live

    I cannot die

    Trapped in myself

    Body my holding cell

  58. Unbelievable


  59. SDD

    Teefers of Denver tries pulling your strings
    By posting stupid lies, that are full of made up dreams
    Blinded by her delusions, she can’t see a thing
    If you try to call her out, you’ll hear her scream
    If you try to call her out, you’ll only hear her scream

  60. smugjew

    I’d like to see a once-in-a-lifetime package tour with Teef, Kina, Amanda and Julia Booby.

    The Big Whore.

  61. OCgirl12

    YES hahahaha !!!!!

  62. smugjew

    My favorite Cliff Burton-era jam:


  63. TJ

    You are very kind.

  64. Tuco Salamanca

    I’m guessing this poser smelly skank doesn’t know one Metallica song and if she does it’s probably from the black album.

    • El Hijo De Fistfight

      I won’t even pretend to be the biggest Metallica fan, but the black album is actually one of the first cds I purchased as a young teen. That and Doggystyle from Snoop, I was very confused.

      • Tuco Salamanca

        LOL! You’re allowed to like different kinds of music. I don’t generally like rap but I do like some of the old school stuff. Nothing that’s out today though. Yuck!

  65. Dr.Christian Troy

    Slashing through the boundary, hiv has found me, cannot stop the Tiffany, cannot kill the herpes Tiffany has placed in me! Tiffany…..Tiffany…..

  66. Dr.Christian Troy

    I literally just choked on my Cuban, that was brilliant my friend

  67. TheSundance_Kid

    Her posts are truly embarrassing for someone in their mid 30s. I would give her a pass if they were occasional, but when whitegirl wasted is the story of your life everyday, it’s time to reevaluate the choices you’re making.

  68. catherine

    Let’s get something straight. Ya know those meet and greet VIP show packages…. like back when Ozzfest did the ‘party like a rockstar’ vip package? THATS what TEEF Had. That ticket was early entrance, a swag bag, a couple drink tickets and a ‘tour’ backstage before the show. She wasn’t on a guest list for this show. She wasn’t hanging out with any one from the bands or crew. She had a 400 dollar ticket and took some pics to smoke and mirror she had some kind of hook up. All of her snap chat videos and pics after that little tour of backstage is from the crowd.

    Stupid cunt. We all know your game Teef. Sit down girl.

    PS. Her new job is at The Park Tavern in Denver.

    • Sammi Jo

      There was likely a line of people behind her waiting to take the same pics after she had her turn.. who also had the VIP tickets

    • Digitus impudicus

      Hey, Cath, I was thinking of you. Glad to see you. Now, you know the GIF response to this: Isn’t Tiffany a desperate whore who never staaaahps?

    • TheSundance_Kid

      She works in my neighborhood. That’s a little too close for comfort.

    • Observer

      The only ones backstage after the show were those working and those with laminates.

      I had one but went home. There’s no partying or such going on like people think..

      • Digitus impudicus

        Indeed. It has always been that way. The real fun is back at the hotel bar at 1 am and onward!

      • El Hijo De Fistfight

        Not with bands like that anymore. These dudes are mostly past their partying years and just want to get on the road to the next city.

    • Penny Lane


    • Full of **IT!

      Yep, you’ve got the cash, you can meet pretty much any band. Most concerts offer VIP tix – I don’t know about Metallica (nor do I care), but you can usually get a picture opp with them. It’s completely lame, you pay big bucks to stand in line with the rest of the cattle, to get a quick bragging rights pic. unless you are absolutely obsessed with them and have to meet them (you know, like a 12 year old girl), spend your money on awesome seats/drugs/drinks!


    • Maia

      Yup. Drunken, no good, rude whore. Makes fun of the two things she’ll never have. A man and a child.

    • The Bad Seed

      ooo teefers bad choice! Not only do I have bail money but I will not hesitate to start a hofundme account, This hot bombshell blonde told me where you work. I hope your dollar teeth are insured.

    • TheSundance_Kid

      Wow! Making fun of Down syndrome children? That’s deplorable.

    • Tuco Salamanca

      You know you’re a piece of shit when you make fun of a child.

    • Habib Fazil

      What filth comes outta that mouth.

      Then again, let us consider what filth goes into that mouf…

    • Queen Bee


      • The Bad Seed

        Ask that twat

        • Queen Bee

          Why did she message you this?

          • The Bad Seed

            Teefers??? I make fun of her, I know she’ll read this cause she said “she makes me throw up in my mouth” I said that here. I also reside in Denver. She thinks I’m behind all this shit but I’m not. I’m also not jealous of her, like bitch I have real eyebrows!

  69. Maia

    Good grief. Most women give up this “I fucked so and so” when they’re about 22, if they bragged about it AT ALL. Stop spending money on your appearance, and invest in a good fucking SHRINK. Work on your inside. Work on your brain. No one cares what you look like when you’re a giant fucking douchebag.

  70. Digitus impudicus

    Here is the truth: nobody is impressed or jealous if you “know the band” unless you are a kid who thinks the world is jealous of you and hates you. Adults laugh at you and ask how many unwashed, grungy cocks you had to suck … while band members are absent from your desperate selfies.

    • Observer

      She doesn’t know anyone in Metallica. She wasn’t backstage after the show.

      I checked thru all the pix I took last night, I didn’t see James playing a purple one.

      Robert on the other hand…

      The roadie who let her touch their gear needs to be fired.

      • Maia

        In exchange for a blow job behind a dumpster, guaranteed.

      • Digitus impudicus

        But again, who gives a shit? It isn’t impressive to any adult who has a life. She thinks she is so great because she is an aging rock groupie and the aging rock guys have no clue who she is, nor do they care! That’s what’s hysterical!

      • Habib Fazil

        At least the drums are still teef free…

      • OCgirl12

        Hahahaha EXACTLY… but these dumb fuck betas and followers just don’t get that…. and funny about that purple guitar! My feeling is that these are purely just extra guitars and I think I saw hats in that pic , set up strictly for picture purposes am I right ??

        • Observer

          Francesca not sure I spelled her name right) is on the road with James.. He wouldn’t look twice at Circus Tits.

    • Sammi Jo

      It’s bizarre behavior for a grown woman. I would never “advertise” or (purposely) brag about people I’ve met or “dated”… She has ZERO self- awareness. It’s completely classless.
      Even crazier if it’s not true! That’s a whole nother level…

      Oh Tiff SMH…

  71. Ooohh nice rememberin’ thar

  72. TJ

    The sight of Tiffany is enough to make any john sleep with one eye open, gripping his pillow tight.

  73. El Hijo De Fistfight

    I would imagine that Birdman & the members of Metallica would have more important shit to talk about then her as well.

  74. El Hijo De Fistfight

    Just confirming to potential employers that she will be a hungover piece of shit on a Thursday.

  75. As if that’s not the best cover image I’ve ever pshopped…. *flicks hair* Now if only I had Sarah Scheller levels of pshop skillz. Sigh.

    That album title was MADE for The CryptCunt.

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